my life as a nomad

an introspective ringtone

the crazy thing about cell phones these days is they don't just ring. nope, they can pretty much make any sound known to man, as well as vibrate and flash and sometimes jump out of your pocket and do the macarena when someone calls. and me being one of the mindless millions who has a cell phone (as much as it pains me to admit, i am one of "those people who have cell phones"), i decided to go out on a limb and have some cool song play whenever someone calls. i'd say "whenever the phone rings," but like i said, phones don't really ring anymore. so anyways, after scrolling through page after page of options and listening to dozens of short little clips online, i finally settled on "this is your life" by switchfoot. mostly because it was one of the few ringtones that didn't sound like it was either starting up or cutting off right in the middle of the lyrics, as well as it not being too loud or annoying or something i'd get sick of after hearing it two or three times. plus, it's hard to wrong with switchfoot. then somebody called (whoa, big happenings for me) and i answered it and everything but i got to reflecting on the lyrics after the call was over, and it made me think...

this is my life. am i who i want to be?

and the answer, unsurprisingly, is a decided NO.


not a sad or depressing kind of no... but the reflective kind. the kind that makes you rethink and reevaluate. a negative that will hopefully turn you back towards the positive

the hard part is that who i want to be is unattainable. my life will never be the one i've dreamed it would be... i'll never do everything i want to do, be the man i'm supposed to be, check off every item on my to-do list, live up to my potential, or be able to lead a sin-free life. and the worst part of all of that is that i'll never get rid of sin while i'm still alive, and that's the very thing that i so desperately wish to be rid of. it's like you're trying to climb a mountain that you know you'll never reach the top of alive, and just for extra fun you're carrying along a grand piano. with a gorilla standing on it. and he's throwing banana peels out in front of you so you keep slipping and falling back down the hill.

stupid gorilla.


so this is my life. and because of who i am, i'll never be who i want to be. but the perspective i need to assume is to be so focused on a single task that i become oblivious to all distractions, and fight through anything that might try and hold me back along the way. you know those type of people who get so set on a single idea, so dogged in the pursuit of a hopeless quest, determined to succeed when the rest of the world knows that failure is not only probable, but that success is impossible? labels such as crazy, insane, blind, foolish, and many others are often applied to them.

yeah. that's how i want to be. chasing after that impossible dream.



"this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be,
when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose..."



what dreams did you have as a kid? are you living them? dreams are the scariest thing in the world to chase after, because three things can happen and two of them are bad:

1. you don't ever realize your dream. this is bad. a common senario most kids have experienced is to want something really bad for christmas, make sure you ask for it and put it on the list... and then open up all the packages on christmas morning and realized that not only did you not get that lego pirate ship you so desperately wanted, but that instead you have a well-supplied sock and underwear drawer. crying yourself to sleep and then rolling the socks into balls which you can throw at people is the only viable way to deal with this
   
2. you do realize it, but it's nothing like you thought it would be. this is even worse. far, far worse. imagine finally getting a date with the girl of your dreams... only to discover she has horrible halitosis. or finally going on that dream vacation to some remote pacific island, only to get attacked by a tribe of headhunters. or getting that promotion you've been shooting for and then realizing that you're suddenly expected to work 100 hours a week. or getting a pet that you've always wanted only to have it frequently deposit it's feces at the most random and inconvenient places all over your house. or... well, i think you get the idea
   
3. you realize your dream, and it's everything you thought it would be... and tons more

that last scenario is how the biggest dream of all will end. this i know. because i dream of one day being perfect, of one day being rid of that stupid gorilla holding me back, of one day being able to truly Love, and... one day i'll be me. who i'm meant to be. not this pale reflection of my true self that is clouded by, of all things, my humanity, but the 'me' that i've dreamt about being. and it'll be "dream scenario #3" to the max, because the splendor of heaven is too infinite for our minds to even begin to comprehend. to be in the presence of God... is there a simultaneously more awesome and frightening place to be? can't wait.







sorry if this introspective moment comes across as being either pretentions or preachy. it's nothing new or profound, either to myself or to anyone else. but i just found it intriguingly amusing how an incoming call made me stop and think, even for just a moment. as james mcdonald said waaay back when he was speaking at cedarville freshman year... "hello, cluephone, it's for you."


"this is your life. are you who you want to be?"



-noonan-

posted by Patrick @ 11:02 PM