my life as a nomad

warning signs

urgent message for the snow gods: "hello, this is Maine. we only have an inch of snow, and it's supposed to be winter. could you maybe send us some more sometime soon? otherwise, we'll have to start importing it from overseas, like we do with pretty much every other product here in the states. and i'm sort of leery about chinese snow... it'll probably me made of cheap plastic. so if you could send us some real snow real soon, that'd be great. thanks."


i know that "funny warning labels" are a terribly cliched subject, but my dad passed along the link to this hilarious picture that just begged to be shared. classic

i actually saw the warning "caution: this product contains peanuts" on (get this) a jar of peanuts last week when i was in target. yikes
"no... really? there's peanuts in here? dangit, where's my epipen?"
but that made me think: what if you were allergic to peanuts and also blind? you wouldn't be able to read all of the "caution: this product may contain peanuts" warning labels, so you might accidentally eat a pbj sandwich or something like that. maybe they need to start putting warning labels on everything in braille, too. i mean, they have braille on the keypads of drive-up ATMs, so they should be able to put braille on product warning labels too, right?


Q. Why don't blind people go bungee jumping?
A. Because it scares the heck out of the dogs


after a brief weekend hiatus, i resume the job hunt in earnest tomorrow. i have high hopes for this week. as in, "i really hope i get a job soon." it's not that i enjoy working that much more than i do notworking, but i miss things like (a) earning money, (b) being a productive member of society, and (c) not being an unemployed bum. although i must admit, (c) is sort of a constant... it just differs in degree from time to time

without work, here's usually what my day consist of:

1. sleeping
2. waking up
   
3. reading
4. playing loud music while taking a shower and singing
5. eating
6. thinking
7. looking for work
8. exercising
9. pretending to do important stuff on the computer
   
10. making lists of what i do when i'm not working

usually (1) will be followe by a prolonged attempt at (2). i really don't like (2). sometimes i'll be (4) and (5) right after i get out of bed in order to get an early start at (7), but more often than not i'll lead off the day with some (3) and then transition seamlessly into (5). if i'm going to be (4), i need to make sure i'm done with my voal harmonizing before mom gets home from work. otherwise it's just a little awkward. then i usually move on to a lengthy session of (6) about (7), often times while (9). this is usually frustrating, and i'll invariably end up (5) or, if it's nice out and i'm feeling spunky, (8). even if i'm not (5), i'm usually (6) about (5) most of the day. hence the need for some occasional (8). the day usually ends with me (3), while i can occasionally be found (10). then it's time for some more (1), so that i have enough energy to repeat the whole cycle the next day

it's a hard life, believe me.




dear peyton manning and mike vanderjagt,

i hope this helps. (coupon for "one free heimlich procedure" included) it looked like you both needed it after your loss today. hope you have another great extended offseason. it's looking like we'll be able to join you for that 9 am tee time on february fifth after all. i know we've been unavailable for three of the past four years, but we're looking forward to being able to play some golf this time of year for a change. just don't miss the turn to the golf course... you're supposed to go straight ahead when you're only about 46 yards away from the clubhouse, but every now and then some idiot bears right at the intersection. go figure.

signed,

tom brady and adam vinatieri




time for some (5), (3) and then lots of (1)

-noonan-

posted by Patrick @ 7:48 PM