my life as a nomad

Apple Unveils New Technology

You thought the iPod was cool? Check out these new products


SAN FRANCISCO, California. Apple Computer (AAPL) has gone from has-been to must-have in the last few years, with their iPod becoming the King Kong of mp3 players,crushing it's competition at every turn. However, CEO Steve Jobs has never been one to be content with standing pat. Apple has become almost synonymous with innovation in the last five years, and this new release of products shows no signs of scaling down the company's grand ambitions.

Jobs annouced two new product lines in his keynote address at the annual Macworld conference in San Francisco earlier today: the iCar and the iHouse. Because of the company's famously tight-lipped approach towards revealing new products and upgrades, this latest slew of Apple technological advances took the convention by storm, and sent shock waves throughout the entire industry.

Here is a transcript of the last part of Steve Jobs speech at the Macworld convention, as he introduced Apple's latest innovative products:

Steve Jobs: "Thanks, thanks again. It's really great to come out here every year and see all of you. But it's even greater to be able to show to you for the first time our new products, because our engineers and developers have never been as excited about anything as they are about two new products I'm about to introduce to you. Let me introduce you to our first new innovation, Apple's first foray into the automobile industry, please feast your eyes on the all-new iCar!"

(iCar is driven onto stage. stunned silence from the audience, quickly followed by thunderous applause)

SJ: "My feelings exactly." (laughter) "We've sat by the side of the road for too long and watched other companies manufacture inferior products, when we knew in our hearts here at Apple that we could create a car for the people that would blow away the competition. So, we did." (standing ovation) "Let me tell you a little bit about this new vehicle we've crafted. It's four times as fast as any other car you can buy at a dealership. We believe that it's the fastest car ever created, with a top speed of over 500 mph." (gasps of shock and awe) "You're asking yourself, how can a car like this be safe? Won't it cause major accidents and deaths all across the highways of the world? Well I'm here to assure you that won't be the case. Thanks to the pre-loaded software installed in the car's navigation system, it's actually much less likely to crash than any car currently on the road today!"

(one person laughs out loud, followed by several seconds of silence. the audience realizes that he's not kidding, at which point they jump up and down and cheer so loudly that Pete Townshend, laying down some tracks at a studio in England, takes off his headphones and asks "What's that noise?")

SJ: "You won't even notice the fact that there aren't even any windows on this car, because your travel time will be cut down dramatically. The car does all the driving for you: all you do is start it up, tell it where to go, and next thing you know you're pulling into the driveway at work, the shopping center, your friend's house, you name it. And of course it is completely compatible with your iPod... assuming you have an iPod... Good lord, please tell me you all have iPods!"

(audience doesn't hear him at first, as they almost all have familiar white cords snaking from their ears to their pockets. but when he starts jumping around and screaming in his market-saturated delusional state, the audience responds in like manner)

SJ: "Whew. Got a little worried there for a second. Anyways, you can of course plug your iPod into your iCar, and listen to your favorite songs during your dramatically reduced travel time. We synced our iVideo and iCinema software with an in-car projector, so you can also watch movies during the drive. Although, quite frankly, you'd have to be going somewhere pretty far in order to be able to watch an entire movie. Which brings me to my next point: Because of our new battery-driven electric motor, you can drive the iCar from coast to coast across America, and never have to fill up once!"

(raucous cheering and stamping of feet)

SJ: "That's right, our newest battery design has a longer life than any of our other devices. Your iPod's battery will one day wear out (hopefully after it's warranty expires), but due to our new diamond-plated hydrogenized iPower system, your car's battery will probably outlast you! But we're working on that. (smiles) And our new scratch-resistant exterior will make sure that your iCar looks as good as the day you bought it for as long as you own it.

(half the audience applauds violently, the other half begins downloading the video feed of the speech onto their video iPods so they can figure out what everyone else is cheering about)

SJ: "I'm sure you all have hundreds of questions, but we'll have to wait and address those at the press conference directly following this speech. Because there's still one more product that we're waiting to unveil! I am extremely proud to be the first to introduce to you... the iHouse!"

(awkward silence as people look around for a house... then realize that he's holding it in his outstretched hand. the entire audience simultaneously explodes in thunderous applause, coming dangerously close to spontaneous combustion)

SJ: "Yes, it's hard to see at first, I know. When my engineers first brought this idea to the table, I thought they were crazy. But here, in my hand, lies the answer to the world's overpopulation and corresponding housing shortage. This iHouse, despite it's small size, is capable of comfortable housing 1,000 people." (shouts of "liar" and "i couldn't even fit my iPod Nano into that thing!" are heard in the crowd) "I know it seems implausible... but thanks to our new proprietary lossless compression system, we've essentially enabled the household to become as small and functional as your music player. Just don't forget to take it out of your back pcket before you sit down. (laughs to himself. a couple of broken Nano's are thrown onto the stage) I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But seriously, think of the potential. You don't need tons of land anymore: just a place to park your iCar, and a postage-sized parcel of land to build your house on. And you won't even have to build it, because all of our iHouses are completely assembled, right out of the box. All you do is order it, firmly secure it to your foundation, and you're good to go. It comes in three standard colors: black, white, and pink; and we're planning on producing a special-edition, commemorative U2 edition, with a stunning black and red combination!

(at mention of U2, crowd begins to warm to the idea. just then, Bono and the Edge walk out of the iHouse and materialize, in full form, on the stage. the crowd goes absolutely crazy. people pass out in the aisles. some fall to their knees and begin bowing and chanting. complete and utter pandemonium ensues when the Edge grabs a guitar out of the iCar still sitting on the stage and begins strumming the opening chords to "Beautiful Day.")

SJ: "Yes, it is a beautiful day. Not only for Apple, but also for the world. With the 1,000-person house selling for just $199,000, and the 2,000-person model retailing at just $299,000, you're looking at the ability to house thousands of people in a small space for less than $250 per person. So the time is swiftly approaching when people will have to choose between buying an iPod and buying living space in an iHouse. Except for the fact that they won't have to choose, because everyone in the world already has an iPod. Isn't that right, Bono?"

Bono (stops in the middle of singing and turns and looks at Steve Jobs): "No, Steve, that isn't right. In fact, right now, because of unfair trade practices, there are millions of children starving in Africa and across the globe. Half of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day. The average child in Sierra Leone can expect to die before the age of 26 because of AIDS, war, or a host of other diseases or social injustices. In fact, I'm starting up a new organization called APPLE to help third-world countries in Africa and around the world. It stands for Awareness, Peace, Prosperity, and Life for Everyone. And Bill and Melinda Gates have already agreed to donate..."

(Bono is abruptly cut off, as he is accidentally run over by the computer-controlled iCar. an iAmbulance immediately drives onto the stage, and quickly loads him onto a stretcher and back off the stage. the Edge looks around for a few seconds, bewildered, but suddenly realizes that he doesn't have to listen to Bono's constant political chatter anymore. he celebrates by playing a few iPower chords, which causes the previously stunned-silent crowd to erupt once again into cheers)

Steve Jobs: "Let's give U2 a big round of applause, everyone." (big round of applause). "And I want to thank you all once again for coming out here to our annual convention. With our our fervent and rabidly loyal fans and supporters, Apple would have gone under long ago and would never have been able to develop the iPod." (audience gasps at the thought of having to listen to cd's or, heaven forbid, tapes, instead of their precious mp3's). "So it's because of all of you sitting in that audience that I have been able to stand here today and unveil these two new entries into our line of innovative Apple products. Thank you, and good afternoon."

(Steve exits the stage to thunderous applause. people immediately get out their laptops and utilize Google's free wifi service in san francisco to e-mail everyone they know about what they just saw. unfortunately, Google's services can only be accesed by using their own newly-developed web-browser, GoogleUniverse, which as luck would have it is incompatible with the 5% of the population who use Macintosh's software. the audience spontaneously chucks their iBooks into the bay, where they are all swept onto Angel Island. Clint Eastwood happens to find one on the beach and, having plenty of time on his hands, manages to load GoogleUniverse onto it. he promptly starts his own blog, titled "how to escape from alcatraz (and live)." )



::end of transcript::






-noonan-

posted by Patrick @ 4:30 PM