my life as a nomad

Unfavorable Exchange Rate Costs Kobe Bryant Spot in History

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Foreign exchange rates are usually just that to the average NBA player: foreign. But following his 81-point outburst versus the Toronto Raptors on Sunday night at the Staples Center, Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers was told by the NBA's Office for Statistical Conversions (O.S.C.) that his virtuoso scoring performance would have to be devalued slightly, owing to the current U.S.-Canadian exchange rate.

If his 81 points were allowed to stand unadjusted, Bryant would hold claim to the second-highest point total ever in an NBA game, behind only the 100 points that Wilt Chamberlain posted on March 2, 1962 against the New York Knicks. But because Bryant was playing against the Toronto Raptors, a team that hails from Canada, the O.S.C. decided that his point total should be adjusted to reflect the current U.S.-Canadian exchange rate, which as of the January 22nd game against the Raptors valued the Canadian dollar at 86.7% of the American dollar.

Once the exchange rate is applied to his scoring total, Bryant's night takes on a slightly less epic resonance. His points for the night drop from 81 to a still-impressive tally of 70, which puts him in a tie with Chamberlain for the ninth-best total in a single game ever. Only four people have surpassed Bryant's Adjusted Point Total (A.P.T.) of 70: Chamberlain, David Thompson, Elgin Baylor, and David Robinson. Rarified air to be sure, but not quite so exclusive a spot as Bryant was originally thought to have held.

When told by the O.S.C. that his 81 points had been reduced to an A.P.T. of "only" 70, Bryant responded by saying "You know, that doesn't really surprise me. I mean, it did seem ridiculously easy at times out there, even for me. You would have thought that they'd have at least tried some double-teams, maybe some half court traps, but the Raptors insisted on playing me straight-up. But hey, 70 points... I'll still take it."

Mike James of the Toronto Raptors replied to Bryant's comments by saying that "[Bryant] doesn't know how hard it is to be an NBA player in Canada. I mean, we only have Molson to drink during the games, instead of Gatorade like everyone else. Plus last week I got paid in something called "loonies." What the heck? And our coach keeps preaching a "non-agressive" approach to the game, whatever that's supposed to mean. The language barrier makes it a little hard to communicate sometimes."

A member of the Raptor's front office, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that "we may have lost the game, but at least we held Kobe [Bryant] to less than a hundred. So we consider that a moral victory. Now if you'll excuse me, the Maple Leafs are about to play..."

The win was a crucial one for the Lakers, who are vying for a playoff spot after not making it into postseason play last year. Phil Jackson, the zen-master coach of the Lakers, knew how important this game was both to the Lakers as well as to the rest of the U.S. After the game, Jackson told reporters that "we were glad to come out with a win tonight. We were down by quite a bit at halftime, but I told the team that if they didn't beat these incompetent canucks, they'd be forced to all wear that panty-hose legwear that Kobe models during our next game. They responded pretty well to that threat, especially Kobe who didn't want anyone to steal his look. Plus, I said this was a chance to strike fear into the heart of Canada by defeating their basketball team based in their capital city... what? Toronto's not the capital of Canada? Huh. Who ever knew?"

Bryant was optimistic of his legacy living on despite the devaluation of his point total. "Yeah they were Canadians," he said, "but 81 points is still alot. That should count for something." Upon being informed that it did, in fact, count for 70 points, Bryant muttered something that sounded like "well even Jordan never scored 70" as he walked off the platform."


-noonan-

posted by Patrick @ 8:37 PM