my life as a nomad

one more week

it's hard to believe it's been a year that i've been back at the warehouse... and it's about to come to a close. probably not forever, i'm sure i'll be back at some point, but i don't plan on staying full-time there for any appreciable length of time again. it's time to move on. maybe i'll keep it as a summer job of sorts, to fund my nomadic enterprises, but it's time for me to leave. i'm worn down... physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. it's been a long, hard year, in more ways than one. i'm ready for a change.

but, i'm also proud of what i've been able to do in the past year. not proud in a haughty sense, but rather grateful for what the Lord has allowed to be done through me, to make use of what gifts He's alloted to me. i am the best at what i do; i can say that without any hesitation or deliberation, or any possibility of disagreement from my coworkers. i work longer, harder, faster, and better than anyone else in my department. i haven't so much as showed up late for a single day of work in the past year, and the only time i missed work because of sickness was when they told me to go home after i had already come in to work. i've been able to avoid any major injuries, in a job where they're almost commonplace. i've worked long hours, come in on my days off and stayed late on days i was scheduled, worked hurt. and worked while sick and tired, and never complained. i've done everything asked of me, and then some. depsite only working a little over half of the year last year, i was named the associate of the year for the grocery department for 2004. that meant more to me, in some ways, than any scholarship or recognition that i got in college.

why do i say all this? because being the best is something to be proud of, even in something as seemingly insignificant as warehouse work. it's hard to stay motivated in something without a goal to shoot for, and i decided early on that i wanted to be the best warehouse worker in our company. and i think i'm at that point.

because of my hard work, i've gained the respect of my peers. and with respect comes a willingness to talk, and to listen. nobody that i know has gotten saved, or even come to church or showed a keen interest in things of the Lord. but they've seen me, imperfect that i am. in an environment such as my workplace, it doesn't take very much to stand out, so even one so immature in his walk with God as i am can't help but be a shining light. it doesn't make it any easier, but it does make conversational opportunities about lifestyle differences more abundant. and, on some level, that's what it's all about. maybe i haven't started a Bible study on the book of john with anyone, or gotten a bunch of guys to church, but i will say this: they know who i am, and they know what i believe, and they know that it makes a very real difference in my life

i'm writing this partly for myself, to convince me that my time here hasn't been futile. i don't have anything tangible to show for my work, really, no special handwritten proclomation from God that i was doing His work, at the right place at the right time. i still occasionally wonder if i missed a road, an opportunity, a chance to travel down a different path, and so ended up here. but i know that even if that was the case, and i'm not so sure it is, that God is good enough to make my time spent worthwhile, if i only let Him. and i've tried... not very well, or very consistently. but i've tried to let myself grow, to become stronger, more mature in my faith and in my life

all this to say, i have one more week left at work. i'm excited about the change of environments, looking forward to a little time off and then a summer working at camp. but i'm also saddened by my lack of results at work. i still hurt for the guys i work with, still see the pain and emptiness in their lives every day, and wish i could show them the way. i've tried, but not hard enough. what if this is the last week that i'll ever see some of them? what if this is the last week that there's a chance for me to share Christ with someone? what if this is the last week before someone dies, maybe even me? life is fleeting, and death arrives too quickly in too many ways, it's impossible to pretend that it's not a possibility

i'm tired. i know it's time to leave, before i myself am worn down too far. i've been trying to be too much for too many people for too long. but i still have regrets on leaving, whether i should have them or not. and i'm glad that i do... because i'd hate to be easily satisfied with my time here on earth. i want to kep trying, striving to grow. i'm still a kid in many ways, but i know i've grown in some small amount in the past year, in ways that i never would have in any other environment.

i guess i'm just wondering, as always... wondering if i've been all that i could have been, if i've truly given the very best that i had. i know i haven't, but i wished i could have. if i made a difference, however small, in just one persons life, that would be enough... but have i done even that? i hope so, but i don't know.


change is good, but it's just plain weird at times, too

posted by Patrick @ 8:31 PM